Who am I to argue?

Health, London ©Tauseef Mehrali 2010

The Sultans' Throne

The Imperial Toilet, Topkapi Palace, Istanbul ©Tauseef Mehrali 2009

Zapiro on Shoe Throwing

Whole Lotah Love!

I’ve always wondered whether Iris, my housekeeper at university, ever thought to herself why on earth I had a watering-can in my bathroom despite my digs being totally devoid of any greenery whatsoever. Not even a sprig of mint or coriander for garnish. She (thankfully) asked no questions and heard no lies.

The lotah, ibreeq, bottle-shottle – call it what you will – is a utensil found in many a Muslim bathroom. In its simplest form it’s a jug with a spout that’s used as a hands-on bidet. Despite the allure of triple quilted toilet paper, we continue to prefer to combine forces, or the brave just simply wash and go. It’s an ubiquitous feature of life, reflecting religious injunctions on cleanliness and ritual purity.

Traditionally it looks like an oversized teapot without a lid and is made from metal or plastic although the variations in size, shape and colour are almost endless. Logistical nightmares can arise when you’re unexpectedly faced with a different style of lotah to the one you’ve grown up with. Left-handers seem to be at a distinct disadvantage when adhering to the left hand – dirty, right hand – clean, convention.

An increasingly common modern variant of the lotah is what the plumber recently working on my uncle’s house subtly referred to as the ‘bum-shower’. These often frightfully complex gadgets are nothing more than a modified hosepipe. Attached either side of a toilet they can be the source of epic flooding disasters if the owners don’t clarify instructions before you find yourself using one.

Equally traumatic experiences can arise from finding yourself in need of a lotah when there just isn’t one around. Spurred on by the embarrassment of always taking a bottle of mineral water to the toilets or sneaking around them with moistened toilet paper, creative individuals have found an ingenious use for collapsible plastic bottles.

On honeymoon in Malaysia I encountered a Japanese inspired toilet with a built-in retractable bidet which perhaps offers the perfect harmony between water and manual input. We can only live in hope…alongside the Andrex puppy.

I like farsi

Learning farsi is such a refreshing break from the rigidity that gives Arabic its appeal but renders it incredibly demanding.

Take this construct for example:

chashm = eye(ball)
khanah = house, residence, dwelling

Therefore, chashmkhanah = eyesocket.

Genius.

Are Horses and Giraffes Halal?

Join the debate of our times over at Ali Eteraz's.

(Ab)original Menu

Last weekend we were treated to a meal at Behesht, an Iranian restaurant in West London. Somehow the establishment appears to have escaped scrutiny from Human Rights Watch and the UN. A cursory glance at the menu exposed a brutal practice that would embarrass even the most bigotted Australian in the Outback.

Both aubergine-based dishes on the menu, Baba Ghanouche and Mirza Ghasemi, were described as containing grilled Aborigine!

Conrad, Galloway & Somnolence

I'm midway through Joseph Conrad's 'The Secret Agent', my first foray into Conrad's works, and am in awe of the ingenuity and clarity of his prose. Furthermore, the sheer audacity and subversiveness of the book, considering it's early 20th century origins, is amazing. The depiction of late Victorian London as a hotbed of anarchist activity wherein ordinary citizens unwittingly share public transport, meals and glances with others who are hell-bent on bringing chaos to the city's streets is ominously resonant with the London of today. (Incidentally, the National Portrait Gallery has a small collection of what can only be described as understated yet statesmanlike portraits of Conrad on display in Room 29 marking the 150th anniversary of his birth that are worth seeking out).

Elsewhere, George Galloway continues to entertain. This time on Newsnight.

The Wellcome Collection's newest exhibition entitled 'Sleeping and Dreaming' is worth a visit too if only to find out just how damaging a week of night-shifts can potentially be!

Mauritania's 'wife-fattening' farm

Reading this recent BBC story reminded me of the observations of my old Arabic teacher during his sojourn in Mauritania, learning classical Arabic. He was amazed at what constituted beauty in Mauritanian culture as compared to well-established Western norms - an aesthetic relativity of sorts.

Obesity is so revered among Mauritania's white Moor Arab population that the young girls are sometimes force-fed to obtain a weight the government has described as "life-threatening".

A generation ago, over a third of women in the country were force-fed as children - Mauritania is one of the few African countries where, on average, girls receive more food than boys.

The Telegraph's take on Modernising Medical Careers

Time to stand up to the extremists

Thanks to tc of Heliotype fame for bringing this to my attention.

Time to stand up to the extremists

Today's news of a third letter bomb attack - this time sent to the DVLA - should be a wake up call for everyone in this country. For too long we have allowed an extremist minority of Radical Motorists to grow like a cancer in our midst.

And the few brave souls who have stood up to the stifling politically correct "multivehicular" consensus and warned of the threat posed by Extremist Motorism have been shouted down with wild accusations of "Motorphobia" for their pains.

Let us be clear. The vast majority of British Motorists are law-abiding moderates. But they have allowed their community to be hijacked by a radical fringe with no respect for our common values.

These extremists have infiltrated so-called "driving schools" and taken over the most prominent Motorist organisations, such as the RAC and AA. And they have a hidden fanatic agenda of replacing our British rule of law with their Highway Code.

It's time for moderate mainstream Motorists to acknowledge the problem in their community and, errm, drive out the extremists. They need to be clear and unequivocal in their condemnation of the latest Motorist outrages. They should start cooperating with the transport police rather than complaining about how they're being "victimised".

And the government needs to take off the kid gloves and crack down hard on hate-filled extremists such as Jeremy Clarkson who hog the airwaves and give all Motorists a bad name.

Oh, and one more thing. How are we supposed to communicate properly if some of them insist on covering up their faces?

Birmingham Zindabad!

Pictures courtesy of my sister and her K608i.

The Middle East Buddy List

Slate magazine has put together an interesting interactive tool looking at the intricacies of alliances and grievances in the Middle East.

Last month, Hamas militants tunneled into Israel and kidnapped an Israeli soldier. Israel immediately invaded Gaza. Hamas began lobbing rockets into Israel. The Lebanese group Hezbollah kidnapped two more Israelis near the Lebanon-Israel border. Israel responded by carrying out airstrikes against Lebanon. Egypt and Saudi Arabia condemned Hezbollah for instigating the violence. Syria, Iran, and Lebanon called Israel's retaliation an excessive use of force.

Confused? We are too. Slate's Middle East Buddy List breaks down the relationships between the countries, terrorist organizations, and political factions who are fighting it out in the current conflict. Who likes whom? Who are the bitterest of enemies? And which groups don't really know where they stand?

A Fiendish Rose

The Radio 4 Test Match Special lot seem to be doing their level best to pronouce poor Imran Gul's name as Imran Ghoul.

Mum there's a hippo in the toilet

This is not a post outlining the potential dangers of a safari in the Serengeti. Instead, its raison d'etre is to highlight an initative by Thames Water (renowned for wasting rather than saving water) - they're giving away free hippos.

A Hippo is a small plastic bag which can easily be fitted into your toilet cistern. Water is retained in the bag, helping to save water every time you flush.

Almost a third of the water we use at home is flushed down our toilets.

Fitting a Hippo device in the average cistern will save up to 3 litres of water with every flush. If one toilet is flushed ten times a day, this would equate to a water saving of 30 litres per day, enough water for a five-minute shower!

PBF

Nicholas Gurewitch, the (admittedly disturbed) mind behind the Perry Bible Fellowship cartoon series is a genius.

The Ginger Beard Man

A friend recently brought the National Beard Registry to my attention. The Registry's founding aim is 'to encourage men in all walks of life, from every continent, to resist conformity, corporate culture, and androgyny by embracing the beautiful, unique and utterly personal habit of growing a full beard.'

There's even a World Beard and Moustache Championship!

A quick search on Wikipedia provided the following follicular gems:

Ancient Egyptians associated facial hair with mourning. With the exception of a pencil-thin moustache or goatees, they generally found beards unattractive.

The nations in the east generally treated their beards with great care and veneration, and the punishment for licentiousness and adultery was to have the beard of the offending parties publicly cut off. They had such a sacred regard for the preservation of their beards that a man might pledge it for the payment of a debt.

The Persians are fond of long beards. We read in Olearius' Travels of a king of Persia who had commanded his steward's head to be cut off, and on its being brought to him, he remarked, "what a pity it was, that a man possessing such fine mustachios, should have been executed," but added he, "Ah! it was your own fault."

Apparently, the following styles are officially recognised beard-forms:

• Full - downward flowing beard with either styled or integrated moustache
  
• Chinstrap - a beard with long side burns then comes forward and end under the chin resembling a chinstrap, hence the name.
  
• Goatee - a beard formed by a tuft of hair on the chin, in some cases resembling that of a billy goat
  
• Garibaldi - wide, full beard with rounded bottom and integrated moustache
  
• Royale (or impériale) - is a tuft of hair under the lower lip. This is also known as a "soul patch" or "flavor saver"
  
• Stubble - a very short beard of only one to a few days growth
  
• Van Dyck - a goatee accompanied by a moustache
  
• Verdi - short beard with rounded bottom and slightly shaven cheeks with prominent moustache

Reminds me of an episode of the topical BBC quiz 'Have I Got News For You' where Paul Merton was asked to provide a caption for an image depicting a rather traditional looking Muslim gentleman with a violent magma-orange henna-dyed beard sporting a Jinnah cap standing at a bar.

The caption: "Barman! I ordered a ginger beer!"

Christmas Mubarak!

Bush - Exit stage left

George Bush tried to make a hasty retreat from a press conference in China - through a locked door.

What a moron. See the Channel 4 report here.

Cricketing Supplication

Spotted this rather predatory invocation on a banner in the crowd on Day 2 of the Test in Faisalabad:

"Bab Waalmer v.v. good coch
We prey to Pakistan teem"