Birmingham Burning

Late one evening last December I had my first encounter with Her Majesty's Police Force - an altogether surreal experience from which I think I'm fortunate to have emerged unscathed, my dentition still intact.

I'd completed a busy on-call and wasn't overjoyed at the prospect of delaying my return home by having to detour past Blockbusters to return an overdue copy of Shark Tale. The DVD was returned. The fine was paid. Mission completed. As I drove back home I impressed myself with the stealth and guile of my driving, culminating in managing to just sneak through a notorious set of traffic lights.

I continued over the roundabout and towards my destination when I caught sight of the unmistakable flashing lights in my rear-view mirror and heard the wailing siren of a police car. Being the dutiful citizen that I am, I remained in the left lane of the dual carriageway and beckoned the police car past, only to notice it slide in behind me and return the beckoning gesture. I drove on, innocently unwilling to accept that they could possibly be interested in me and my stealthy, guileful driving.

Eventually the relevant portion of my cerebrum accepted the possibility and I slowed to a halt. The police car stopped about ten metres behind me and the passenger door opened, revealing an Oompa-Loompa in police gear. He was the shortest, most hyperopic PC imaginable with a suitably disporportionate hat. He waddled towards my car. I wound down the passenger window hesitantly.

Ooompa-Loompa: Good evening sir (in a lisping Brummie accent)
Me: Hello officer
Oompa-Loompa: Any idea why we've pulled you over this evening, sir?
Me: Erm...sorry, but I've absolutely no idea officer
Oompa-Loompa: No idea (he muttered to himself). Well in that case can you join me in the squad car please sir?
Me: Is that really necessary?
Oompa-Loompa: It most definitely is.

After querying whether to leave my engine running; lights on/off; keys in car or with me; I joined the Oompa-Loompa and we walked towards the squad car. In the dim light I could just about make out the driver of the police car and he looked like a fairly sizable individual. I entered the back of the car and realised that the driver's neck was about the same size as my waist.

Big Cop: Good evening sir
Me: Good evening
Big Cop: Can you think why we may have stopped you sir?
Me: As I told your colleague, I'm afraid I really have no idea.

Big Cop looked at Oompa-Loompa

Big Cop: He has no idea

They shared a sly glance followed by a barely perceptible grin.

Oompa-Loompa: Do you regularly drive through red lights sir?
Me: (Rather alarmed) Erm...no, not really. No, never.
Big Cop: Well you just did.
Me: I could swear the light was amber
Big Cop: It was close. Perhaps the closest I've seen. But you jumped the light.
Me: It really wasn't my intention.

My tired face must have betrayed the overwhelming feeling of apprehension I was attempting to hide.

Big Cop: Don't worry sir. We're not going to prosecute or anything like that. This is just a gentle Christmas warning.
Me: (Obviously relieved) Ah. That's very kind of you. Much appreciated.
Oompa-Loompa: Lot's of people drink at this time of the year. You wouldn't be a drinker would you sir?
Me: No. Never touched the stuff.
Oompa-Loompa: Good
Big Cop: Good. We just need to run some of your details through our databases.

Oompa-Loompa proceeded to relay my name and number plate to some central office. In the meantime, Big Cop reached down to the area between the gearstick and the handbrake and fished out an odd looking piece of rubbish, almost like an ear of corn. He held it up to the light in the car where I got a chance to inspect it too.

Big Cop: I wonder what that could be?

It looked strangely familiar to me. Almost anatomical. Hang on. It was anatomical. Unable to restrain myself,

Me: It looks like a tooth!

I exclaimed

Big Cop: (Re-examines the item and looks towards Oompa-Loompa) Ha Ha. Must have been a scuffle in here eh?

He wound down his window and quickly threw the molar into the darkness. At this point I began to perspire and had visions of Rodney King being battoned to death flooding my thoughts. As a gut reaction I pulled the door handle only to realise that the door was safety-locked and could only be opened from the outside.

Oompa-Loompa: (Looking back towards me) In a hurry to get going sir?
Me: (Cue nervous laughter) Yes. It's been a long day and I'm feeling quite tired. It'd be nice to get home and unwind.
Oompa-Loompa: We know the feeling sir. I'll tell you what. Why don't we let you on your way? We'll follow you until your details are cleared then we can all go our separate ways.
Me: That sounds reasonable.

The Oompa-Loompa let me out of the car, I drove off in mine, was tailed a short distance and soon we did go our separate ways.